The Wisdom of Others

It took me a good while after I graduated to find influences on social media that were more than those memes that you laugh at because otherwise you would find yourself crying at the truth of it. However, once I found those people, it changed quite a bit for me. Looking at nursing in a positive light while still acknowledging the difficulties was new, but also these people gave me actual tools to make my life better. The best part, it is free. Sure they also offer classes and resources as well (they too need to feed their families), but I have found that the support of random strangers on the internet has done a lot for my outlook and well, inlook. {I know that isn’t really a word, but again, my blog, my weirdness, whether or not it is grammatically correct.}

That being said, if you are new to nursing or have been in it for more than a hot minute, please go check out WholeLifeNurse on Instagram. There are so many resources to be had, including my favorite, an anonymous income report. You won’t regret it.

The Sun Will Come Out… Sometime

When you graduate nursing school, you run on the assumption that the world is your oyster. Nurses are in high demand. Your good grades will shine among other applicants. Your previous healthcare experience will be seen as an asset. Well friends, I’m here to tell you that either all of this is utter and complete BS or Covid has drastically changed the landscape of nursing.

I’m not going to lie, I’m not sure if I am merely the piece of sand in the oyster that just hangs out and irritates the snot out of the critter until it somehow becomes a pearl or the poor creature that has the piece of sand wedged into a delicate place and all I can do is endure until it turns into a pearl. Needless to say, I’m struggling. The patient load is insane, the politics are exhausting, and the commute might be the death of me. {The silver lining is that I have lost about 8 pounds working my shift because I just don’t have time to eat and I’m too dang exhausted when I get home to consume a full meal.} Don’t worry though, I had a bit of weight to lose from nursing school.

I have been in my job since June which means I saw the tail end of the first wave. The staff was optimistic as the “normal” rhythm of the ER started again. Sure there were many ICU holds but I saw it as a learning experience. And then the wheels fell off. Completely not Covid related, but policies changed, staffing changed, and the job as I learned it was different and there were now more responsibilities. I’m not complaining, it just made transitioning into being a big girl nurse that much more challenging. And then… I learned what was behind the curtain of management’s office. The pretty picture that was painted in my interview and orientation was burned to the ground. I’m not going to lie, there was at least two weeks in a row where I seriously contemplated just never going back. The number of days in a row where I was physically threatened, yelled at, swore at, and told I’m not good at my job {a direct quote from a patient}, was exhausting. In fact, I was so over it, I started applying to any job that wasn’t ER or med-surg. How about a clinic? I’m in. The job seems a bit boring, but the hours are awesome. Pre/Post-op? Absolutely. Cardiology? I’ll take it. A boogie IV bar rehydrating the elite that partied too hard the night before? Why not? Basically anything that might be closer to home and somewhere where the odds of me getting the shit kicked out of me by a psych patient seemed the better option. I knew I didn’t have the magical one year of experience as a bedside nurse, but I had many other redeeming qualities that should make me stand out on paper. {And I knew I could solidify the deal with my sparkling personality in an interview.} But those interviews never came. Every resume I submitted was a no thank you. Which brings me to my original thought… Even in a pandemic, finding a job relies heavily on who you know, not what you know.

I am fully aware that I might be just a leetle bitter, but the sheer volume of no’s that I received on my applications was frustrating. For most of them, I had all of the qualifications that they required you to have 6-12 months after your hire date and yet I got the message that they were pursuing candidates more aligned with the qualifications. Looking back, I realize this is probably just a boilerplate response that all people get, but I’m not gonna lie, in the midst of all the rejections, I started to wonder what the heck I was doing and doubting pretty much all of my life choices for the last two years. And then… My phone rang.

I interviewed, interviewed with a second person, and ultimately was told “not right now.” It was both promising and devastating at the same time. I was told to check back in a few months so I basically just wrote it off. It was too good to be true anyway. {Hello, self-preservation tactics.} Boy was I shocked when a few months later, I got a call again. So now I’m waiting to hear officially, but I really think good things are in the works for me. Things that are closer to home, far less stressful, and has a huge potential for growth. I’m trying to temper my excitement, but it’s hard. Until then, I continue to work toward more certifications, learn all I can at work, and try to make the best of my off days.

Don’t look behind the curtain.

It only took a handful of weeks, but I have officially spent a drive home crying.  The weirdest part is I’m pretty sure it was a vortex of good and bad emotions.  I got my first taste of the bureaucracy of hospital life and I have to say, I’m not a fan.  It just so happened that on the same shift, I hiked up my big girl panties {I really hate that word, but there it is}, and just handled a patient by myself from EMS report to shift handoff.  I believe the rules are that I am not supposed to do that, but well, here we are.  Bonus points/kudos were earned with my preceptor so I don’t think I have anything to worry about.

I’m not going to lie.  Actually being in the ER and doing what I have always dreamed of is freaking surreal.  It feels like I’m just in clinicals and I only have a few shifts left to get in as much learning as I can.  Except I know that after that magical day when I no longer have a preceptor double checking everything I do, I still have coworkers who are willing to answer any question, check any charting, and generally just be an awesome support system.  At this point, I can’t tell if I’m more terrified or excited.

Merry Christmas!

Or whatever holiday or way you celebrate.

To my nursing student friends… enjoy your break.
For the new nurses… enjoy working on Christmas for maybe the first time ever.

The proof is in the pudding.

Let’s say you start a new job. You notice your coworkers often complain about the other new people in front of you. You also notice that they complain about each other and rarely have anything nice to say about fellow coworkers. Listen to me closely… brace yourself… they are also talking about YOU when you aren’t around. A zebra doesn’t change its stripes and if you are a type 2 like me, this realization can be jarring. That being said, I have some suggestions for both you and me WHEN {not if} you find yourself in this situation.

1. Don’t participate in the shenanigans. Walk away when other people’s faults become the topic of conversation. Be the annoying person who counters with something positive. They will get the message that you don’t do that.

2. Remember that you won’t always be everyone’s cup of tea, and believe it or not, that’s okay. {This one is mostly for me.} I have an eternal sore spot of fretting that people don’t like me and I twist myself inside out trying to be someone else, someone more palatable, to appease others. You do you, boo. Unless you are a butthole, then it’s time to re-evaluate your behaviors.

3. Be willing to have tough conversations. If someone is bugging you, for the love of Pete, go talk to them about it. Ask if they are okay. Recognize that sometimes people are dealing with more than they let on and that might be the reason they are being weird or grumpy or snippy. If that’s just them as a person, I suggest a wide berth.

4. Don’t be a butthole. This one doesn’t need much explanation, but in the off chance you find yourself in this position, be willing to not only genuinely apologize for any boneheadedness on your part, but learn from it. Oh, and try your best to not do it again.

5. Seriously think about if it is an environment that is right for you. If not, cool. If so, go you. There’s no shame in knowing what works for you and what level of drama you can handle.

I’m quickly realizing that the world of nursing is a complex and often insanely catty and political environment. Throw in a global pandemic and the utter exhaustion that comes with it and you’ve got a lot of people with short fuses and rarely a healthy outlet. It’s been a steep learning curve for me, one I thought I adequately prepared for. {Spoiler Alert: I was not.} I didn’t realize that not only do I need to learn how to not kill patients, but also how to not lose my shit.

Fightin’ words…

Brace yourself for what I’m about to say, but make sure you listen up brand new nursing school students…

Are you ready?

I don’t like Danskos.

There. I said it. I will admit that my feet are a little… special. I have extra bones, no arch, and legs that took years of abuse from all of the running, jumping, and landing sports. But the support isn’t the issue. They help cut down on the aches and pains in my knees and hips, but every time I wear them, I get a giant bruise across the top of my feet where the lip of the shoe hits. I have tried stretching them out, gritting my teeth and dealing with it in the assumption that I need to just get them broken in. I make it about 4 hours and my feet are so sore that I start actually limping. It is like a breath of fresh air when I put my Brooks back on.

I thought it was just me, but it turns out a lot of people have this problem. Danskos have so much going for them, protection, fun patterns, solid construction, but none of that matters if they literally bruise your feet.

I think I might get my nurse card revoked for this one.

Who wants an update?

This may be a bit scattered, but I hope you will forgive me because I have that three-in-a-row hangover coupled with homeschooling frustration so I may not make the most sense.

It has been a hot minute since I said anything about my career choices and let me tell you, the last month has been tough, to say the least. Say what you want about a new nurse going straight into a specialty like the ER, but I honestly don’t think that being new has anything to do with my frustration and considering a new path.

I have had some very sick patients, some very socially complicated patients, and some patients that defied the laws of physics, all of which resulted in me actually crying at work. {I would rather pop out my left eyeball than have people see me cry, especially at work.} Up until that point I at least made it to the car before I broke down. The point I’m trying to make here is I can honestly say that I don’t feel like management really cares about what goes on outside of their office other than making sure our stats stay up. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is a regular occurrence across most hospitals, but it hits different when you are on the short end of the stick, in real life.

Since I started on the floor, there have been these small little obstacles that have made learning and doing my job very difficult. I won’t outline what they are in the very slim chance someone I know reads this and connects the dots. I will say, individually, each piece wouldn’t be a big deal. I am very skilled in setting up dreaded “work arounds” {thanks previous career}, but when you put all the things together it triples the workload, and I’m not even being dramatic. {Surprise, surprise!} The final straw for me was when a patient threatened me in a way that no woman, or man, should ever be threatened. Punch me in the face? Fine. Try and bite me? Okay. Spit at me? I’ll get over it. Tell me you are going to sexually assault me the first chance you get? I will end my career first. I’m not going to lie, that one almost did me in for good.

I understand that time management, learning the specialty-specific meds, and getting into rhythm with the culture and tempo of your unit are all things that take time and generally present issues for new grads. What they don’t teach you about is the emotional and spiritual torment you will experience when dealing with patients. There are no classes being taught on how to process your really shitty shift or the burnout being experienced ten-fold with the addition of Covid to the already demanding and exhausting profession. The bitter side of me thinks these things aren’t being discussed in school because if nursing students knew first-hand the kind of abuse they were about to experience, most would second-guess their life choices.

I know that management is responsible for protecting and defending their staff, but rarely are you advised that when you are interviewing for positions you should also be interviewing them. What are their policies on violent patients? Do they have a record of protecting their nurses over the bottom line? Do they have specific examples of how they handle situations like this? You are not the only person being scrutinized in interviews! There are a lot of nurses in the field, that is true, but so many of them are abandoning bedside nursing because it is freaking exhausting. Yes it is rewarding, and fulfilling, and all the puppies and rainbows they spin in nursing school, but it is also so very, very hard. {I’m pretty sure every school has that one instructor that plays the youtube video the first day that makes you cry and throws gasoline on your desire to become a freaking NURSE.} You have worked hard to get where you are. You have passed all the classes and completed all the hours. Don’t sell yourself short by thinking you have to take the first job offered to you or the job that gets you the biggest paycheck.

I guess that is my point here. Apply everywhere. Interview them. Consider all aspects of the position. Advocating for yourself before you even start working is a beautiful exercise in self-care that so often gets pushed to the back burner or completely forgotten. You don’t owe your employer a dang thing. It is their job to protect you and make sure you have all of the tools needed to be successful.

A question…

I have only been working in my specialty for a few months. The picture that management painted when I started is a far cry from what I have been experiencing. I am so freaking lucky to have super awesome coworkers who support and encourage me every day. Despite this, I find myself coming home either in tears or dreading returning the next day.

I don’t want to get too specific, but the working conditions are not at all comfortable, physically or emotionally. I don’t know if it is just the specialty in general, or if management is just really good at spinning tall tales.

I wonder if anyone else experienced the same thing in the first months of their career or if I am just expecting too much of my employer.

I’m better. Promise.

A lot more “stuff” has happened since I last ranted about being overwhelmed and today I can easily say it has more than doubled. I mean, I do feel like a bit of a sally thinking about how I thought life was troublesome because I missed my friends a few weeks ago. I still miss them, but now I get to miss them while on the phone with multiple insurance companies. Now don’t get me wrong, we are very, insanely, supremely blessed in that the damage is to the property and not to the house itself. AND even though water was in the garage and up to the front door, it never came inside the house. We also managed to relocated our giant freezer full of all these meals I keep telling you about, and saved the entire contents. All in all, we fared far better than most. Our glamping experience only lasted two and a half days and the weather was nice enough to have the house open so no one died of heat exhaustion. See? Very blessed. So for today, I am okay. I know everything will work out just fine and eventually groceries and gas will be readily available again.

Now about work. It’s horrible, awesome, and has changed my entire outlook on people. I have been called names I never knew existed and might just make a sailor blush, I have had patients weaponize poop, and I have been told I am the sweetest nurse the patient has ever met. Each day goes from one end of the spectrum to the next and back again before my first cup of coffee. It’s emotional whiplash to say the least, but I think I’m slowly getting used to it. {Or I am just getting really good at suppressing my emotions.} My husband and I are laying out a tentative one year plan {because if I have learned anything, it’s that God laughs when we make plans} and we are optimistic for what 2021 brings… we just have to survive the rest of 2020. I’m also happy to report that my IV game is back on point and I’m somewhat comfortable caring for low-level patients. Even high acuity are okay, but I get a little lost when it comes time to contact doctors and chart.

My time with an adultier nurse is coming to an end, but I’m equally excited and terrified. Each day I learn a little bit more and get a little bit better at what I do. As long as I keep progressing forward, I’m going to do my best to be content with that.

Struggle Bus

I’m pretty sure if I wasn’t such a hot mess, one could consider me the driver of the hot mess express struggle bus. Things are going pretty well at work and I am slowly starting to unravel all the policies and put all the pieces together to be somewhat competent and know what the next step is in the process of care. I have already talked about how nursing school doesn’t actually prepare you for being a nurse in the fact that they cannot possibly teach how each hospital runs their show. Sure you learn meds, contraindications, and how to put in an IV {sort of… mannequin hands are not that helpful}. AI am doing okay in that department, not great mind you, but definitely okay. At least I’m doing okay enough that they are going to kick me off of orientation the next in a few weeks and I will officially be a “real” nurse.

Anyway, back to my point… My point I am desperately trying to make is that I’m well, desperate. I am really enjoying my job despite the slap of reality of how exactly nurses can be treated by patients, but when I get home everything is just… bleh. I tried really hard during nursing school to continue to maintain friendships despite being stuck with my nose in a textbook or sitting in a classroom. I know that the ‘Rona has ruined everything, in particular social lives, but I’m really feeling it lately. I’m not sure why it has been so difficult this week, but I miss talking to my friends in person. I want to go out to eat and sit on a patio by the water and make the waitstaff mad that we are sitting there so long {but then tip them generously for taking their table}. Really, I just want someone to check on me for once. To offer to hang out. To chill in the driveway with some lemonade {because covid}. Is that so much to ask?

I don’t know why this has become my reality. Is it because I went through nursing school and didn’t get to see my friends that often? Is it because everyone is afraid of going in public because of Covid? Is it because they are afraid of me and my exposure to covid? Is it because everyone else is struggling just the same and sitting in their houses wondering the same thing about me? I don’t know, but it isn’t great.

To be honest, I don’t really know what I need. This has been a really tough transition with a new career, new schedule, and a new way that people interact {or don’t} with each other. I’m not sure how to fix it, but I can tell you that I will just keep on moving forward regardless, because that’s what I do.

If you are in the same boat, feel free to reach out. There is always room for one more on the hypothetical struggle bus.