I have seen the light.

I have to say, I love my job. Love. It is everything I imagined it could be.

I truly thought I was going to have to change specialties and find another space in the nursing world where I could grow. I’m so thankful to say emergency medicine is, in fact, that place for me. It has taken a minute for me to find my footing in a new environment that is significantly larger than what I knew before, but I’m happy to say, I am getting there. There are still some protocols I struggle to remember and supplies I can never find, but it is all coming together nicely. My coworkers are kind and supportive. Management actually gives a flip about me as a person and what happens outside of the hospital. The schedule is so much easier on my body and brain. The best part? It’s five minutes from home.

I don’t know if anyone actually reads this or not, but if you are struggling mentally in an environment and you are not getting the support from your peers or managers, don’t be afraid to look for something else. I don’t care how long or short you have been a nurse. You will not learn and grow in an environment where your mental health suffers. I know nursing school was tough and you don’t want to “waste” your degree, but at what cost do you stay? If you cannot enjoy your life outside of work because of what happens at work, that is not a life you want to live. There are so many resources out there for new nurses up to and including finding a new job and maintaining financial stability. Trust me when I say, it is possible to find a job that you love and look forward to going back to.

Hindsight

You know the phrase, but recent events have really shown me just how true it is. I left my previous employer with a gas can and a match in hand and there is nothing left to that bridge. Was it my finest moment? No. Do I regret it? Not one little bit. Now, after recent events involving former coworkers, I’m ready to go and light the ashes on fire, just for good measure.

It is not a secret that violence against nurses is live and well in the United States. Daily nurses experience verbal slights anywhere from snide comments to straight up having their life threatened. I have personally experienced the gambit of patients, quite honestly, being stupid and saying downright ridiculous things. I have also been slapped, pinched, punched, shoved, and everything in between. I spent hours upon hours on the phone crying to my mom and my bonus mom about how I wasn’t sure if I could continue in emergency medicine and what else I should do with my new career. Now, here is the caveat, I started my career in the height of a global pandemic AND the facility I chose has a psych facility so you can imagine the volume of patients needing those services that are seen there. That was a combination that would test anyone’s fortitude, let alone a brand new nurse.

But didn’t you know what you were getting into? Sort of. I was naive and trusted the information I received about the patients seen at that facility. All I ever heard were how the patients are “sick as snot.” And they are/were. The part they left out was how understaffed they were {presumably because they can’t keep staff}, how many violent psych patients would be seen daily, and that you would automatically be blamed if something went awry with a patient. In one instance, I was personally verbally attacked and would have been physically assaulted if there had not been three other nurses there to restrain the patient. I’m embarrassed to say it, but I didn’t react well. I was at a point where the demands of the job and commute had me in a very dark, scary place mentally and this situation was just the cherry on top of a total shit sandwich. Needless to say, I lost it. I was crying and couldn’t stop and thankfully, I was directed to a room where I could have some privacy. As I struggled to get it together and my manager came in and the first words out of her mouth were “You were doing so well!” Not, “are you okay” or “what can I do to help” or anything of that nature. Nope… just an implication that I was the one to blame because I couldn’t handle the emotional toll of the entire situation. I learned from that experience that it was buck up and shut up.

If you aren’t appalled yet, just wait…

Flash forward a bit… A fellow nurse and I were physically wrestling a patient back into bed and said patient spit in the other nurses eye. Of course the safety glasses had been knocked off of their face and what was a purposeful and calculated attack on a nurse was deemed and reported as an “accidental exposure” and said nurse was reprimanded for not wearing the proper PPE. Now it has gotten to the point where a former coworker was physically attacked with injuries and management once again showed their backsides. Instead of getting that nurse the support and resources they need to start the healing process mentally and physically, they asked why that nurse was in the room alone with a psych patient. Now if your blood isn’t boiling by this point, I am not doing this topic justice. I’m not going to lie, my first instinct is to blast this facility and put the manager’s name out there for all to shame, but that isn’t my story to tell with any more details that I laid out here.

I’m truly at a loss at what to do. There is a very large part of me that wants to do something, but what? I don’t work there anymore and it would be easy for them to paint me as a disgruntled former employee and invalidate what I have to say. I’m certain that their track record of staff turn-around and other nurses’ stories would confirm, but at what cost? People still need to feed their families. Hospital systems are masters at sweeping things under the rug. The worst part is that it isn’t fair and it isn’t right, but that seems to be the world we live in. Everyone has the opportunity to find greener pastures, but what about the baby nurse that is coming up behind us? Do we owe them to prevent the same things from happening to them?

I know there is a much larger conversation at play here and there isn’t one simple solution, but it isn’t in me to just sit back and let it go. On the other hand, I am but one person and I don’t have it in me to kick that hornets nest and then deal with the fallout, so I’m not really sure what the point of this post is. Maybe to get it all out? Maybe to raise a little bit of awareness? Maybe to warn nurses to do their due diligence in researching their potential employer? I’m not sure, really. But know that this happens every single day regardless of how management responds to it. Just be sure that you know how it will go WHEN it happens to you.

Culture Shock

We learn all about the types of shock in nursing school. The causes, the symptoms, and the treatments. The shock they don’t teach you about is the stark difference between hospitals. I went up a trauma level and down about 15 stress levels.

It is very strange comparing my now two experiences. There is no yelling. There is no fighting. I have yet to see a set of double lock velcro restraints. In fact, I don’t even know where to find them. In the handful of shifts I have not been threatened and no one has bellowed “nurse” out their door. It’s actually a bit disorienting. I wasn’t completely sold on my choice at first, after all, the staff is not exactly outgoing and welcoming. They aren’t nasty or mean, they are just kind of ambivalent to my presence. There were a handful that say hi and introduced themselves, but no one rolled out the red carpet. Trust me though, I will win them over. It may take baked goods or amazing crafts, but let’s face it… my sparkling personality should be enough.

It is a steep learning curve with the charting but I think I’ve already got a decent handle on it. However, it isn’t just the charting system, but the charting style. I think that may lend considerably to the change in pace. I came from having to chart when a patient sneezed. Now, it is only by exception. Do you know how much time that saves? It’s incredible. Of course I’m still slower than molasses in January trying to find everything, but I think I’ve got a pretty good start.

I distinctly remember sitting in my car, talking to my bonus mom {who coincidentally is a total badass nurse as well} and crying my eyes out because I didn’t think I could continue to handle being an ER nurse. It was all just so overwhelming. And now I see that it was 50/50 me and the situation. I will accept that I was new and totally overwhelmed but holy snotrockets was that place was a mess. That being said, I learned so much, so fast; I didn’t have any other choice.

I wouldn’t trade my first job for the world. I think it really pushed me to grow exponentially in a very short amount of time. But I am so incredibly thankful to be where I am now. I’m looking forward to putting down roots and continuing to grow and learn.

Shoot for the moon, or something like that.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you’re among the stars.

Coincidentally, this was my eight grade graduation quote {forever and a day ago}. I can still remember the giant sheets of blue scroll paper, you know the kind that is reserved for the teacher’s lounge, draped across the entire back wall of the stage in the gymnasium. It was adorned with glittery stars of all sizes with the saying painted across the top. It was a perfect example of your quintessential small town school attempting to look at least a little less small town and ultimately falling short. I guess the decor landed among the stars.

Ultimately, I can’t decide if it promotes mediocrity or if is for people like me so we can sleep at night knowing we at least got a consolation prize. However, I digress. A trip down memory lane was not the point of this post. What I was and am trying to get at is that every day, I have a better understanding about myself and my motivations. {Insert some nonsense about enneagram and trauma responses here.} The bottom line is I have always been, and will probably continue to be an overachiever. Mediocrity makes my skin crawl despite the fact that my entire life has a lengthy list of things at which I was merely ‘okay’. That doesn’t mean I didn’t turn myself inside out trying to attain perfection. So now here I am as an adult. I conquered nursing school with straight A’s. I got a job right out of school in a specialty. I won awards within my first 6 months of being a nurse. This should all be good enough, right? Absolutely not.

I have to do MORE!

So what do I do? I buy a testing spot for a certification exam thinking that it will make me study and be prepared enough to sit for the exam and pass the first time as a relatively new grad. Let me tell you friends, I very much regret my decision. I mean, I do, but I don’t. I’m starting to think I should really be focusing on growing my knowledge and skills naturally with experience rather than spending hours upon hours a day attempting to study and build study materials that are pocket sized and can travel with me anywhere. And yet, I get little to nothing done during these “study sessions.” I am constantly distracted by kids, life to-do’s, formatting, crafts, and just about any little thing that is remotely shiny. It isn’t that big of a deal. I have at least another six months to prepare, but I know I will blink and it will be August and I will be scrambling.

I contemplated putting together a local study group, but I have not had great success with those in the past. I don’t know if they are really all that beneficial to me, personally. Although the accountability is what matters the most, right? It’s just like a workout. You are more likely to actually do it if there are other people counting on you and expecting you to show up. Who knows, maybe I will see if there are other schmucks who have also gotten in over their heads that would like to commiserate and ultimately re-learn a bunch of stuff they may have forgotten or missed in nursing school. Either way, I’m going to continue to study and prepare, but for today I think I will be productive instead. Maybe. I mean, these walls aren’t going to paint themselves, right?

The Moral Dilemma

As it turns out, waiting {even if not so patiently} for the right opportunity to come along is worth it. Soon I will start a new adventure at a higher acuity hospital getting paid more and and slicing my commute time to nearly non-existent. This is the job I have been hoping for since before I started nursing school. It is the epitome of a dream come true.

So where is the problem that is causing me to test my moral fortitude? That, my friends, would be in the leaving process.

I thought that I was doing the right thing and giving ample notice, but as it turns out, it isn’t sufficient. That means that I am going to be blacklisted at an entire hospital system… no if, ands, or buts. This in itself isn’t that big of a deal but it still kind of sucks. Now when you add on the fact that during this timeframe I cannot use any of the paid time off I have accrued, but will also have family who I see only a few times a year coming visiting, you have a perfect moral storm. {When coming out of a pandemic where seeing family and friends face to face has been almost impossible and highly frowned upon, it is really important to actually be able to spend as much time with them as possible.} Now let’s think about this… I’m already blacklisted for this hospital system because I cannot give them their entire (outside of industry standard) notice, why oh why would I show up for all of my shifts? There is zero incentive for me to do the right thing and continue to go to work other than the fact that I try to live my life doing the right thing regardless of what others are doing around me. {I really like sleeping at night.} There are other issues that have made it very clear that this organization punishes employees for leaving, but I’m leaving those out for the sake of maybe still staying somewhat anonymous. I thought I was okay with it since it would only be calling out for one shift, but because I am a moron and scheduled my pre-employment physical for another day I am supposed to be working {5’s and 6’s look a lot alike when you’ve just woken up and don’t have your glasses on} the guilt has doubled. I tried rescheduling it but they don’t have anything available until the following week, which will most likely delay my start date and impact my offer for employment.

What should be a happy, fun, and exciting time has turned into an ulcer-inducing, morals-testing, mess. I hate feeling like I have let someone down or not done what I said I was going to do. It’s not right and it isn’t fair to those that I have given my word. Everyone around me has stated that it is obvious that the company does not care about me {they are unwilling to budge on the black-listing based on a few days} so why should I turn myself inside out for them? But that isn’t the point. “Do unto others”, right?

Now I need to decide between spending an extra day with my family or going to my scheduled shift for a company that has made it very clear they don’t value me as an employee and/or jeopardizing my employment at my new position. I don’t like burning bridges, but I feel like this situation tests my boundaries and priorities to the max. I honestly don’t know what to do or really what the “right” thing to do is. Take care of me and my priorities or honor the commitment I have already made?

Upward and Onward

My last post was the epitome of burnout. As a new grad, I was finding it very difficult for me to find my footing in the nursing world in the midst of pure chaos. I have spent the last month in a funk, that is until I figured out {or was gently informed} that I needed to find a way to be content with what life had for me now. If that meant staying where I was and enduring the commute and extra hours, I was going to do that. I had to find a way to be okay with what I had in hand.

Apparently, persistence pays off. I kept submitting my resume for positions that I wanted and even though I got more than a few “we are pursuing other candidates”, any time a new posting would go up, my resume was submitted. I finally got an interview, in person even, and a mere hours later I had an offer in my inbox. I was fully prepared to accept less money but as it turns out, I won’t have to. It’s not a lot, but it is once you consider the gas pump.

So there it is. New, terrifying, and wonderful things are on the horizon for me. I’m not looking forward to yet another transition. However, that is life and there really isn’t much to do about that. Hang on to your hats, folks. I’m sure there are more meltdowns in your future. In the mean time, I’m going to continue to learn and grow as a nurse… and go scrub shopping.

I’m tired.
I’m frustrated.
I’m exhausted.
I’m questioning my future
I’m drinking wine.

Bottom line, I’m defeated. I have applied, interviewed, and failed time and time again. Recruiters call me and then after going through the ringer, it’s no after no. Intellectually I know that once I hit one year and finally take and pass that CEN exam, I will be a hot commodity, but in the mean time I’m spending a good portion of my day commuting back and forth to work and it is much more challenging than I thought. We are absolutely making it work, but the weeks where I work four days (specifically three days in a row) is definitely a challenge. Add in an increase of very, very sick patients and it is not just physically exhausting, but also emotionally draining.

My last shift was tough. It was high adrenaline for 12 hours straight. I spent the entire time fighting tears because if I let even one loose, there would be no stopping the flood gates. I was hoping that a long hot shower would produce a soul cleansing cry, but it didn’t come. At least not until I laid my head on my pillow and tried to fall asleep. Then I cried. No, I sobbed and to be honest, it felt good to let it go.

I’m not going to lie, I miss my friends. I miss going out in public and seeing people’s faces. I still haven’t mastered the act of actually saying hello in hallways, but instead I still smile like a dingbat under a mask. I want to walk through Target for an hour with an overpriced coffee in hand and buy stuff I didn’t know I didn’t need. I can tell my mental health is not where it should be but I’m not sure I know many people who are mentally 100% right now. I have so much to be thankful for and I am so blessed and yet, here I am, struggling, forcing myself to do every day tasks when all I want to do is lay in bed and do nothing, check out.

Today is a bad day. It happens less and less these days, but it still happens. I’m allowing myself to feel my feelings {except at work because… work}, and I’m talking about it. My husband knows, my closest friends know. For now, that will have to do while I wait for a new situation that affords me more time at home and less time on the highway.

The ol’ switcheroo

I have been trying to find a new job, well, almost since I first got off of orientation at my current job. I think it was a horrible shit-stew of being a new grad, bad management, weird hours, a long commute, and a steep learning curve courtesy of Covid. All of these things together made life pretty miserable. Looking back I am realizing that I jumped at the first opportunity that was presented to me because of my lack of confidence/faith in myself and the fear that if I didn’t get to work right away, I would never find employment. It didn’t help that the lure of the ER was strong. Now, with fresh perspective and a lot more appreciation for my on-the-job education, I can see that this has been a great opportunity for me to find my footing as an ER nurse but also gain some confidence in my skills.

I have been waiting to hear back about a new position for months and today I finally had an interview with the manager. I think I knocked it out of the park and I think really impressed them with my answers. At the end, they asked if I had any questions and when I asked if the shift was days or mids, they dropped the bomb shell… the position was for night shift. You would think this wouldn’t be an issue, but that wasn’t the position I applied for. Now I am starting to see a pattern in hiring practices of hospitals, or perhaps it is just my frustration and a touch of bitterness coming out. This isn’t the first job I have applied for, interviewed for, and considered accepting, only to find out I was being offered a shift I didn’t apply for. {See previous mention of weird hours…} However, now I know better or at perhaps I have a little bit more patience.

I have a long-standing problem with making others happy at my own expense, even the companies I have worked for. I “take one for the team” and short myself sleep, benefits, and most of all, sanity to “contribute” to the betterment of the organization. Thankfully, I am getting wiser and setting healthy boundaries in both my personal and professional life. That means that most of the time, I can stop to see what is really happening and realize that cutting myself short isn’t creating a better organization or making others see me as dedicated. It merely shows I am willing to short myself and to be honest, be taken advantage of without any recourse.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still fretting, thinking that I am not good enough, smart enough, or lacking in whatever else I might think the position requires. {Not to mention the panic of starting over somewhere new.} However, the difference is that I can now focus on what boundaries I’m not willing to budge on and which ones I am. That may mean turning down a job close to home within a great organization so that I can be on the same schedule as my family or saying no to an opportunity that isn’t what I asked for. Surprisingly, I was bold enough to contact the recruiter to ask about yet another position within the organization. This is nothing short of a miracle because my overthinking brain is constantly telling me that the recruiter probably thinks I am an entitled brat who can’t see a good opportunity when one is presented to me. Or perhaps that I don’t appreciate all of the time and effort that went into organizing the interview for a job I cannot accept. {How dare I ask her to do the job she was hired to do… /end sarcasm}. It is a bit exhausting playing the mind games with myself but I have found that if I can get myself into a head space where 1) I have a job that I do love, despite the insane commute that allows me to learn and grow every day, 2) it’s not worth my family’s happiness and security to take a job just because it isn’t the one I have, and 3) I am smart and capable and a great asset to any organization. If I can keep these things in mind I can justify that saying no thank you or even asking for something else is perfectly okay and well, considered normal by the majority of the human race.

So here’s to being picky and holding out for the right thing, not just something that isn’t where you are.

You can check out but you can never leave

I have found that I have strong feelings about entertainment these days.  I was super excited when the commercials for my favorite shows started showing up. More seasons were headed my way. I was excited for the sweet blissful escape of zoning out in front of a tv show where I can pretend all is right in the world for 30-60 minutes at a time. It wasn’t all that shocking, albeit disappointing, to find that almost every show I watch was now based on Covid 19.  

I can’t say I’m a fan. Even before I started working in the hospital, the last thing anyone wanted was for their escape from reality to get tainted with current events. Now that I live the reality every day I’m at work {and lets be honest, any and every day}, the last thing I want is to rehash reality in some twisted form or another.  It’s not like Hollywood stays neutral {insert eye roll here}.  There is so much talk about self care and finding ways to cope with stress.  I’ve come to the conclusion that anything we do is only a finger plugging a leak in a dam of emotions.  It’s a temporary fix that just buys time until a long-term solution is found. It’s a day to day struggle to maintain some semblance of sanity, even if that means two steps forward and then two right on back.   Don’t get me wrong, self care is vital, especially when it is aimed at ensuring our immune systems stay running at full force.  Or really, just ensuring we have the gumption to get up and do it all over again.  

The more I think about it, the more I see the other side of my disdain for Covid permeating my pretend world of happiness.  I didn’t understand the strain fully until I was smack dab in the middle of it. I can only imagine how foreign the exhaustion is to those who don’t see it, who don’t experience the overwhelming surge of patients who literally have nowhere to go in the hospital and yet still come. Perhaps these shows depicting exhausted healthcare workers, struggling to the perfect soundtrack, saying goodbye to patients and colleagues for the last time; watching their own people get taken down, one by one by the same disease that is killing their patients, might just open the eyes of the unbelievers.  

It still shocks me when I see people refuse to wear a mask. To refuse to avoid large crowds. I’em not saying to become hermits and never leave your home, I have traveled myself to see my family as safely as we possibly could, but there are things that can be done to prevent or slow the insanity.  I guess my hope is that those that also watch these shows that may not know firsthand how exhausting it is, might be moved to consider someone other than themself.  Perhaps it will stir their emotions enough to contemplate how the other side of their argument feels.  After all, there is a long history of our entertainment presenting and normalizing topics that were once well, taboo.  {Let’s hear it for Archie and Edith}  

For now, I will continue to watch my favorite poorly scripted medical shows that are set around world events that I want to escape from and follow along until the tidy, if not inaccurate, happiness at the end of the episode all while hoping it can help bring awareness to the masses.  

What goes up, must come down.

I am finding there is a major side effect of working as a nurse, but particularly one in the midst of a pandemic. What is it, you ask? Waterworks. And a lot of them.

While at work, there have been several occasions where I had to almost literally shove my feelings down because there isn’t much room for tears in CPR, especially when family is right outside the room watching. So when you can’t feel the feelings at work, they all come out at home.

See a cute commercial? Crying.
Watch a tv show? Tears.
Is that a puppy in a Santa hat? Waterworks.
It’s super annoying, and to be honest, embarrassing.

I’m not sure that it needs to be fixed though. It’s perfectly normal to have emotions as a human {I repeat to myself daily.} Sure, at first I was really concerned because ‘back in the day’ when I didn’t have kids and didn’t really have the responsibilities that I have now, I didn’t do this. I didn’t break down at the smallest thing. I handled death and dismemberment with a straight face. {Except that one time… that was different and a story for another day.} I still get into this spiral of how surely this can’t be good and then I realize that my emotions back then came out a lot different, but they sure as heck came out. Today it is tears, then it was anger. When I consider the two options, I think a little tear or two {or a hundred} is far better than lashing out at others, specifically the ones I love.

I’m not sure that anything will change unless I change my chosen profession, but I really think what needs to change is my view on expressing my feelings, or you know, feeling those feelings; especially those that are considered ones that I regard as a sign of weakness. I’ll be the first person to champion for others that crying, being sad, or at times anger is perfectly normal and acceptable, however that courtesy rarely is extended inward.

It’s all part of growing as a human and as a nurse. It isn’t something they teach in nursing school or even in your orientation, so it has to come from somewhere. There are so many lessons that we must learn as we grow that have nothing to do with memorizing anatomy or recognizing symptoms. How to deal with the emotions of the job and the impact it has on us outside the hospital is important and often overlooked. I will be looking for resources for myself in the near future, but in the mean time I will be, at the very least, giving myself a little bit more grace as I navigate this new territory.