I’m tired.
I’m frustrated.
I’m exhausted.
I’m questioning my future
I’m drinking wine.

Bottom line, I’m defeated. I have applied, interviewed, and failed time and time again. Recruiters call me and then after going through the ringer, it’s no after no. Intellectually I know that once I hit one year and finally take and pass that CEN exam, I will be a hot commodity, but in the mean time I’m spending a good portion of my day commuting back and forth to work and it is much more challenging than I thought. We are absolutely making it work, but the weeks where I work four days (specifically three days in a row) is definitely a challenge. Add in an increase of very, very sick patients and it is not just physically exhausting, but also emotionally draining.

My last shift was tough. It was high adrenaline for 12 hours straight. I spent the entire time fighting tears because if I let even one loose, there would be no stopping the flood gates. I was hoping that a long hot shower would produce a soul cleansing cry, but it didn’t come. At least not until I laid my head on my pillow and tried to fall asleep. Then I cried. No, I sobbed and to be honest, it felt good to let it go.

I’m not going to lie, I miss my friends. I miss going out in public and seeing people’s faces. I still haven’t mastered the act of actually saying hello in hallways, but instead I still smile like a dingbat under a mask. I want to walk through Target for an hour with an overpriced coffee in hand and buy stuff I didn’t know I didn’t need. I can tell my mental health is not where it should be but I’m not sure I know many people who are mentally 100% right now. I have so much to be thankful for and I am so blessed and yet, here I am, struggling, forcing myself to do every day tasks when all I want to do is lay in bed and do nothing, check out.

Today is a bad day. It happens less and less these days, but it still happens. I’m allowing myself to feel my feelings {except at work because… work}, and I’m talking about it. My husband knows, my closest friends know. For now, that will have to do while I wait for a new situation that affords me more time at home and less time on the highway.