What goes up, must come down.

I am finding there is a major side effect of working as a nurse, but particularly one in the midst of a pandemic. What is it, you ask? Waterworks. And a lot of them.

While at work, there have been several occasions where I had to almost literally shove my feelings down because there isn’t much room for tears in CPR, especially when family is right outside the room watching. So when you can’t feel the feelings at work, they all come out at home.

See a cute commercial? Crying.
Watch a tv show? Tears.
Is that a puppy in a Santa hat? Waterworks.
It’s super annoying, and to be honest, embarrassing.

I’m not sure that it needs to be fixed though. It’s perfectly normal to have emotions as a human {I repeat to myself daily.} Sure, at first I was really concerned because ‘back in the day’ when I didn’t have kids and didn’t really have the responsibilities that I have now, I didn’t do this. I didn’t break down at the smallest thing. I handled death and dismemberment with a straight face. {Except that one time… that was different and a story for another day.} I still get into this spiral of how surely this can’t be good and then I realize that my emotions back then came out a lot different, but they sure as heck came out. Today it is tears, then it was anger. When I consider the two options, I think a little tear or two {or a hundred} is far better than lashing out at others, specifically the ones I love.

I’m not sure that anything will change unless I change my chosen profession, but I really think what needs to change is my view on expressing my feelings, or you know, feeling those feelings; especially those that are considered ones that I regard as a sign of weakness. I’ll be the first person to champion for others that crying, being sad, or at times anger is perfectly normal and acceptable, however that courtesy rarely is extended inward.

It’s all part of growing as a human and as a nurse. It isn’t something they teach in nursing school or even in your orientation, so it has to come from somewhere. There are so many lessons that we must learn as we grow that have nothing to do with memorizing anatomy or recognizing symptoms. How to deal with the emotions of the job and the impact it has on us outside the hospital is important and often overlooked. I will be looking for resources for myself in the near future, but in the mean time I will be, at the very least, giving myself a little bit more grace as I navigate this new territory.