It’s so hard to say goodbye

To yesterday.

Sing with me now!  Oh wait, did I just age myself here?  Oh well.  I embrace my single gray hair (that I have lovingly named Myrtle) and my love of most things 90’s.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s get back to the topic at hand.  Saying goodbye. So what in the world am I saying goodbye to other than the financial freedom to do whatever I want, a career I have built from the ground up, and sleep?  I’m not really sure, but lately the hesitation to go through with this entire plan has been bubbling up and starting to cause some serious doubts.  The more that I think about it, the more I reach for the industrial size bottle of Tums.  The pressure to succeed is almost suffocating.  If I give up our current status quo, don’t do well and don’t love being a nurse, have I let myself and my family down?

People.  I am terrified.  Yes, I am also equally excited to do what I have dreamed of since I was a little girl, but mostly just terrified.  So many things are about to change and not just in my bank account.  The time I get with my boys, the time I get with my friends, the flexibility in my calendar I have become accustomed to, and it warrants saying again, sleep.

I am trying to find the balance between being confident and excited and fully embracing the fact that I don’t know what the heck I am doing.  Sure, I can fake it until I make it all day long, but when it comes down to it, will I regret this?  I’m sure that if you have been reading this blog you are getting sick of hearing about my fears and worries, but I’m fairly confident that this is a large part of starting the program regardless of age or experience.  Right?

Someone validate my feelings!

In the mean time, I’ll be over here singing and pouring one out for my social life and stability.  It is hard to say goodbye.

We interrupt this study session

With a fun game called “when will he puke?” That’s right, my son ate so much pizza at a birthday party that his little body decided it had to go. After an hour of rubbing his back and making him sip some water, he finally let it all out.

Judging by the size of the chunks, we are going to have to have a conversation about chewing food properly.

Edited: As it turns out, it may have been a bout of food poisoning or just a good old fashioned tummy bug.  My poor boy was up almost every hour on the hour puking until there was nothing left.  He was pretty excited to have Sprite and toast for breakfast and some Gatorade for lunch.  Thankfully he was back to his old self within 24 hours AND my husband and I managed to avoid catching it.

Current situation

to combat

Microbiology test #2 on Monday with no cognitive recollection of two different days of lecture.

Will I pass the test?

Probably.

Will I still panic and study all weekend and avoid my family?

Most likely.

Will they still love me?

Absolutely.

 

Not only does is my husband well-aquatinted with my neuroses, he chose to live with them for the rest of his life when he put a ring on it.

Poor fella.

Time Marches On

I think there is this weird phenomenon that happens when you are anxious about the future and yet you are scrambling to manage the present.  When you look into the future, it seems like your end-goal is so far away.  It’s easy to say, “in one year” but when you consider all that happens, or even what can happen in a year, it doesn’t seem like enough time.

Right now, I’m considering that in the spring of 2020 I will be ready to take the NCLEX (presumably) and ideally, ready to head into the medical field as a brand new, sparky RN. It seems so far away and yet I start to panic thinking about everything I need to learn in such a short amount of time.  A little over a year?  Four semesters?  That’s it?

When I was in school for my EMT certification, (wait, have I mentioned I was an EMT for many, many years?  I can’t remember, but we will come back to that in another post) I was so overwhelmed by all that I had to learn to be allowed to go out into the world in a really big and really cool truck with lights and sirens and attempt to save the lives of those that needed me.  There were many nights that I fell asleep on my textbook and had nightmares about killing people because I couldn’t remember DCAPBLTS.  I finally spoke to my instructor about my fears and what he told me was so simple and yet so pivotal for me.

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How do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time.

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So simple it’s embarrassing, right?  I think for me, it is so easy to get wrapped up in worrying about learning all of it.  I am anxious to know all of it, but I can’t.  No one can.  You have to start with the basics.  Every single metaphor I can think of applies… building a house, driving a car, something about Rome, and of course, eating an elephant.  You have to start at the beginning and establish each step along the way.  You can’t drive the car until you turn it on!

I know, I know.  Super cheesy and lame, but you can’t tell me that I’m not right.

I don’t know who needs to hear this or read this, (you know, other than me), but here it is.  You’ve got this.  Forget the next year.  Forget the next semester.  Heck, forget the next test.  Do what you can for today.  If that means that you study one chapter today, do it.  Any forward progress is progress and before you know it, you will be counting the days to your pinning ceremony.