Just kidding.

Despite yesterday’s enthusiasm, I don’t have it all together.

I’ve allowed myself to get overwhelmed with all of the things I need to do and I have fallen down the rabbit hole of panic.

The real deal.

Today is the second day of the semester but I think it is better known as the first day that really matters. The true first day is filled with boring syllabus discussion, a professor telling adults how to behave like adults, and so on and so forth. Tonight on the other hand is when it gets fun. Real lecture starts and the pressure of studying and keeping up starts building.

As for me, I’m organized and and ready to go. If you ever doubted my full-on overachiever-ness, the proof is in the labeled, color-coded, and tabbed binder pudding.

The world may stop spinning.

It is the first day of the semester and I have no idea in which building or room my classes are being held.  I have only purchased one of the two required books and that is because Amazon Prime sent one directly to my door.  The other I have to actually go on campus and purchase it from the bookstore.  This is not normal for me.  I’m the one that has all the books and supplies at least two weeks before classes start and probably even made a dry run to see how traffic behaves during the time of my commute.  But no.  Not this time.  This time I am scrambling the day of and going in blind.  (Note an underlying sense of sarcasm to this entire paragraph.  I fully acknowledge that my “normal” behavior is anything but normal.)

Up until this point, I have avoided going on campus at all costs; online classes are the best.  For the few courses I did take on campus, I found that the overwhelming smell of Axe body spray and the overabundance of leggings being worn as pants make my eye twitch.  The sheer volume of pheromones are enough to make anyone gag.  I am hopeful that because my classes are being held at night that the median age of the students may be just a smidge higher than those that are held during the day.  Alas, interaction with the youth of today is a necessary evil, but I don’t have to like it.

Is there a vaccine for that?

I have found that to prepare oneself for entrance into the nursing program you must fill out so, so many forms, take a ton of classes (obviously), pass the entrance exam, and hand over your checkbook to the university.  If this isn’t enough to make someone go a bit nutty, there’s more!  How about you find your vaccination records from when you were a child.  This is all fine and dandy, except I am a long way from being considered a child.  I’ve also moved to another state half way across the country and I’m on my third last name.

Welcome to the puzzle that is medical records!

I have scoured all of my files, and trust me, there are a lot of them.  Truth be told, I’m kind of a paperwork hoarder.  I have submitted a request to the hospital back home.  I asked my mom.  All I have to show for it is a letter stating that the hospital back home has no vaccinations on file for me.  In fact they have zero medical records at all.  I suspect someone just didn’t want to do their job and search based on all of the names I provided but then again I am a little jaded.  I am also waiting for a response about the chicken pox vaccine and if a titer would be sufficient.  That vaccine wasn’t around when I was a kid.  My mom just exposed all four of her kids to it at once to get it over and done with.  Yes, she is kind of insane, but in the best way possible.  The gangster kind of insane.  You know, old school.

In the mean time I’m giving my arms a bit of a pep talk because I’m sure it has been long enough that I will need at the very least a whole mess load of boosters.

The “what if” spiral has commenced.

I’ve always joked about this thing called “The Spiral” where my bad mood just gets worse and worse until I am a miserable ball of sucky attitude that is determined to make everyone else around me as miserable as I am.  Dramatic?  Yes.  This is me we are talking about.  But seriously, I can start off my day just a touch grumpy and then when I can’t turn it around and buck up, I get annoyed with myself, which makes me more grumpy which makes those around my grumpy causing me to then be even more mad at myself for now infecting my loved ones with my awesome attitude, thus making me even more grumpy.  If this causes my husband and I to fight, then it is all over but the crying.  See?  It’s a downward spiral of grump and shame and it ain’t pretty

Now I find myself succumbing to a “what if” spiral.

What if I can’t remember everything from A&P six years ago
resulting in epic failure in all of my classes?
***
What if I am so crazy busy with school that I am nothing short of a
miserable cow for the next year and a half?
***
What if going after my dreams causes nothing but strife for my family?
***
What if I lose all of my friends again like when I got my degree?
***
What if I can’t cut it and I end up being the most mediocre nurse ever?
***
What if I am an awful nurse and no one wants to hire me?
***
What if they do hire me and I can’t hack it?
***
What if I hate being a nurse and I gave up my established career
for nothing but failure?

Please excuse me while I go vomit.

Seriously though!  What if I quit my job, lose all the perks I have worked so hard for over the last 13 years and end up back in a cubicle once again settling for “good enough” because we need the health insurance and/or paycheck?  Most importantly, what if my family sacrifices so much for me, only for me to fail?

WHAT. IF. WHAT. IF. WHAT. IF. WHAT. IF. WHAT. IF.

It’s truly nauseating.  I know that I am the one that is piling on the pressure and unreasonable expectations.  I know that I have an awesome support team around me that are not going anywhere even if I try to disappear them like Magical Trevor’s cow.  (Go ahead and Google.  You’re welcome for that.)  That’s the frustrating part.  I’m doing this to myself.  Outside of some less-than enthusiastic comments from the peanut gallery that were just delivered poorly, everyone I’ve spoken to has been nothing but encouraging and supportive.

Can you imagine how bad this is going to get when I actually receive my letter of acceptance and tell my boss I’m outta there?  Lord have mercy!

Dear TSA

I appreciate that you have a very big job. Ensuring that millions of people move about the world safely is no small task. I can also appreciate the frustration involved with coaching people through the security check process, especially those that have not flown recently, or ever. But if you could do all of us a huge favor and standardize your rules and procedures across the nation, at the very least, we would really appreciate it.

Scolding people for putting their shoes in a bin when your counterparts at another airport scolded people for putting their shoes directly on the conveyor is very confusing and makes everyone’s day a bit more frustrating.

P.S. Do you need a hug?

Sincerely,

Every passenger